Some musings on showing up for people when they are struggling💫

 

The most powerful way we can show up for others is to actually see and hear them. We don’t always know what to say or do – especially when someone is struggling- but we can always show up and just be with them. 

 

The truth is, you don’t have to “do” anything other than share space and acknowledge the other person. Just let them know you see them and try not to let your own discomfort isolate you from what the other person is experiencing.

 

That’s why these phrases can be so powerful in times of tragedy or even when people are just going through some blues:

“I can’t imagine how you are feeling.”

“This must be so hard for you, tell me more about that.”

“Do you want to talk about it some more?”

“I don’t know what to say but can I sit with you a little longer?”

“I really want to support you. What do you need the most of right now?”

 

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The biggest disservice we can cause someone during their grief/sorrow/ bad day/ depression/ hard time, is to ignore, avoid, dismiss, compare or compete with them. 

Statements such as:

 

“I know how you feel.”

“It could always be worse.. at least you don’t have….(fill in the blank with some horrific tragedy or disease)”

“It’s okay, these things happen.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“That’s a perfectly normal thing to happen. You’re okay.”

 

These statements are not only hurtful but they can be very damaging to someone who is already suffering because they cause the other person to feel even more isolated and alone than before. They might even start to think something is wrong with them because their way of processing the situation is being rejected by peers.

 

If we are privileged enough to have someone confide in us and share the depths of their sorrow with us, the least we can do is to truly allow them to show up with whatever it is they are burdened with and not try to fix them.

 

This applies to any time someone is sharing their fears/worries/problems or grief with you.

 

Mostly what people are trying to express is: “I’m dealing with some new feelings here and it’s bringing up my anxiety, fear, worries, pain etc. and I don’t know how to process all these new feelings and energy.”

 

The best thing to do is just show up and allow that person to feel whatever it is they are feeling without allowing your own discomfort (at not having a solution) steal the show.

 

💜What’s the most powerful way you’ve ever been supported in a time of need?

 

 

I want to see more women winning.
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I want to see more women discovering their power and exercising it.
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My heart bursts open when I see a woman find that light within her and turn it all the way on!
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The more women understand that their healing is a necessary part of their empowerment, the more we can shift this world with our love.
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The more women who understand that we must lift our sisters up and show them our own healing, the faster we will all be able to rise.
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Stay open.
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Stay vulnerable.
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Stay strong.
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I see you 💜

 

 

So many women calling themselves bosses and still not showing up in their own lives.

You want to be a boss bitch/boss babe/bad ass etc?!

💡How about you stop competing and start creating?

💡How about you show up for yourself?

💡How about you lift other women up and stop gossiping?

💡How about you believe you are worthy of your wildest dreams?

💡How about you get honest and clear about what you really want in your life?

💡How about you go after what you deserve and start believing in yourself?

💡How about you stop comparing yourself to other people and just do what makes you happy?

💡How about you put in the work even if that means admitting there are things you need to stop doing, change, rearrange, add and even let go of in order to become the person you need to be to have the life you say you want?

Because bosses show up every single day – rain or shine – and do what needs to be done to achieve their goals.💅🏼

Bosses work hard and have the weight of the world on their shoulders at times.

It’s not all glamour, travel, insta-perfection and cashing cheques; there’s a lot of tears, doubt, late nights, early mornings and pissing people off.

But most importantly, being a boss means: fighting for what you believe in, executing what feels impossible, being authentic, asking for help, hiring your weaknesses (admitting you have them), failing, flailing, rising, never giving up,keeping your goals close and staying true to what you value even when the only one cheering you on is YOU. 👊🏼🔥😘

 

 

When will it be enough? When will you grow tired of your own excuses and realize that you are the one thing holding back your dreams?

I am taking off the kid gloves because they don’t serve you. Your excuses are keeping you small and quite frankly it is insulting to sit back and watch you slowly decay and live a life that is far below your worth just because you are afraid.

Afraid of WHAT? Afraid that it might work out? Afraid that it will be difficult? Afraid that you will fail?

SO FUCKING WHAT? So what if any and all of those outcomes is true. Do you think that you won’t be able to thrive in your success?

Do you wonder if all life will come to a halt if your brilliant idea doesn’t just work the first time around? Guess what? It might not. In fact, most brilliant ideas take several attempts.

So, what if it is hard? So what if you have to work your ass off and your fingers to the bone for that thing that makes your entire being light up and that spark inside you burst into flames.

WHY ARE YOU WAITING?

It hurts to watch you hurt. It hurts because you are so damned perfectly whole and capable and you have all the tools. But you wait. You sit and you think and think and think and wait and wonder and doubt.

You doubt because you don’t have evidence. But the thing is, you DO. Look around you. Find your evidence. Watch the people who are out there showing up day in and day out because they HAVE to. Because their souls beckon them out of bed and they know that they MUST show up again and again and again. Even when they have no evidence. Because trust and faith and believing in something more is what drives us to the light when the sun goes down.

We must trust that there is more. That we are worthy and that we have been given these dreams and desires as missions that ONLY we can conquer because we have what it takes.

The ridiculous thing is, that it takes so much more effort to wait and wonder and doubt and fear than it does to leap and try and fall and get back up.

NO one is coming for you. No one is going to deliver you to the finish line of your accomplishments. The glory is only for those with guts. For the flawed and hopeful of us who just know that we are worthy. People who simply trust that there is more and that they too can be free of doubt and fear and wondering when it will be their turn.

Waiting and wallowing is a coward’s game and one where you will always lose by winning.

So, I ask you again: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

What can you do today to show up, as you are, with what you have and declare to the world:

I am going to get what I came for! I will not falter or stop until I arrive!

 

Are you ready to show up? Make today that day.

 

XO

Iman

 

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Don’t let people own your stories. They belong to you. They are your experiences and your perceptions and no one has the right or the authority to deprive you of your own perception.

There will always be people who aim to keep you small and want nothing more than for you to shut up and be silenced. Make no mistake that these people are not looking out for your best interests – they simply do not want to look bad or be judged or feel guilty or be shamed. They are afraid of what it would look like if they owned their own experiences.

People who love and support you will always stand beside you when you speak your truth.

I have spent my lifetime working through all of the trauma and drama that I was dealt. It took me a great deal of healing and courage and perseverance to write my memoir and I had to come to terms with the fact that there may be some people who don’t like that.

You see, ever since I was a little girl people have been trying to silence me. I’ve been told that I was too much, too sensitive, too dramatic, too hurt – I learned that these feelings made people very uncomfortable. It was much easier for everyone else when I kept my feelings to myself. I was easy to be around when I didn’t speak up about my abuse or mental health or the fact that I was severely traumatized and missed my mother more than I could express.

I was left to feel these things by myself and I learned to shut down the parts of me that made others uncomfortable. This internalization only made me hate myself and my life. I felt trapped in my own body. This was no way to live because it felt like dying.

There came a time when it became painfully clear that no one was ever coming to rescue me. No one was coming to tell me that it was okay to feel or okay to process or okay to embrace everything that I was filled with.

It wasn’t until I decided to save myself and sought professional help and actually did the work to heal my wounds that I started to fall in love with the woman I had become and in doing so I learned to honour the places that I came from.

And you know what happened? I became the most powerful person in my life. Suddenly, I was filled with a fire that I knew had always been there but I was coming to realize that it could never be extinguished.

The biggest and most badass revolutionary thing you can do is stay true to yourself and never ever let anyone silence you.

I don’t care if my truth makes you uncomfortable. I don’t care if my pain isn’t convenient and I sure as hell don’t care if you like me, support me or rebel against everything I do.

I do not exist for you. I do not share my art so that you can approve of me. The only approval I need is from myself and I share my stories and my hurt and my healing and my love so that someone else out there in this big bad world doesn’t feel alone. I will always be standing here with my hand out in case someone needs help up.

Don’t shrink. Don’t retreat. Stand up and look everyone in the eye and speak whatever it is that your heart begs of you. Even when your knees shake. Especially then.

 

Here is one of my favourite quotes that I use in my author’s note in the beginning of my book:

 

 

 

XO

Iman

 

 

These past few weeks I have been in my own little bubble. Okay, who am I kidding? – I built a steel fortress, armed my cannons and I wasn’t letting anyone in or out. I needed some time to just be quiet and still to balance myself and get back to feeling 100%. I didn’t take calls, return texts or answer emails (save but from my top 5). I let go of everything so that I could fully hold all of the feelings that were overwhelming me.

Two weeks ago, very dear friend of mine passed away suddenly and it left me reeling in grief. I had just spoken to him and just spent time with him and all of a sudden, he was gone. Nothing made sense and I couldn’t seem to wrap my mind around what had happened. He was one of the most lively, quirky and funny people I had ever known. He brought a room to life no matter where we were. I cherished him and our friendship so much. Just like that, he was gone and I would never hear his laugh or see his smile or how his eyes would light up when we made the most ridiculous jokes.

My heart felt like it had dried up and turned to ash. I couldn’t align my head with my heart and the facts. Loss can hit you like a frying pan to the face sometimes.

I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t stop crying. I just stared out into space lost in between instructions from my husband to eat, get up, shower, go to bed. Everything reminded me of him. And then when I thought it couldn’t hurt more, I got sick and then couldn’t get up if I wanted to. It completely knocked me on my ass, took the wind out of my sails, kicked my feet from under me and brought me to my knees. I didn’t have the strength to do anything. I had no other choice than to surrender to whatever was happening to me.

Now, normally, I would take every over the counter concoction and magic potion to alleviate my symptoms and bring me back to life. BUT being 22 weeks pregnant left me with good ‘ol hot water and lemon as my only hope to kill whatever it was that felt like it was trying to kill me. Lemons and ginger seemed like such sad weapons to use to fight whatever was ailing me. Every cough and sneeze literally tore my abdomen and strained my muscles. My throat was so swollen that I could hardly eat anything and blended oranges and ice became a three-course meal.

Okay, I wasn’t dying – I know. People have it worse, I know! It was only a cold/virus/demon from hell, I KNOW!….But seriously, it still crippled me. I could barely stand up or eat and all the while my heart was bursting and I wanted to show up for my friend who had just lost her husband and help her make the arrangements for the funeral. Then I was asked to officiate the funeral and no bigger honour could have been given to me at that time. I brought my crumpled soul and showed up as big and bright as I could to show my adoration for him once more.

I would have crawled there if I had to and as I stood in front of everyone who loved him so, I couldn’t help but be moved with love and the power of healing that comes from showing up, as you are, no matter how tattered, and shining your heart. We celebrated his glorious soul and that was far more powerful than any over the counter drug I could have had. Through this love, I was healing.

When I got back home I began to get better but as soon as the sadness crept back in – BAM! My cold came back with a vengeance. At first, I was mad but then I thought, “Maybe I am being asked to stay here with this pain for a little longer.”

And so, I have. My own losses, my coaching, grief and trauma recovery training have shown me all these things in a million different ways and over the years I have walked my clients through their own grief. I know all too well that you can never truly know something until you feel it in your bones and experience it yourself.

In the years and years that I have known my sweet friend, Con, he has taught me so much. It wouldn’t be like him to not also bestow his wisdom even in his absence. I have learned so much these past weeks – mostly, how to be a better listener and a gentler healer, to myself.

My prescription has been this: Sit still. Let the grief in and then let it back out. Never deny any of your feelings because they each hold a treasure that will enrich you beyond your years. If you need to retreat and bundle up and shut off – then do that. Do whatever feels good and right and sacred. You won’t miss out on social media; your life won’t fall apart if you postpone the meeting or delay the text or cancel the lunch. Life is too precious to run around chasing your tail when your soul is begging for a blanket and a good cry. Surrender, surrender, surrender.

If you do this, I promise one of two things will happen: another day will come for you to show up or if it doesn’t, then it won’t matter one bit.

And so, for me, today feels like a good day to get back up.

Big Juicy Love,

XO

Iman

Do you really want something different or is that just something you daydream about in an effort to avoid the parts of your life that you aren’t in love with?

Big change has been a theme in my life whether I was ready or not. Sometimes, it took me by such surprise that it tormented me for years. But so often, I have wanted and even begged, prayed and dreamed of that BIG change and I have received it even when I wasn’t ready for what it meant in its entirety.

New cities, new loves, new homes, new jobs, new passions, new hobbies and new versions of me.

Every time change comes into my life, I know it requires a sacrifice. Big or small, I never can tell until it is looking me right in the eyes.

I have often thought of life as a big and beautiful carnival. So many lights and games and magical rides, illusionists and haunted houses, Ferris wheels and spooky characters. But also, romance and fantasy and dreams coming true and laughter. So much laughter. No matter what you go for, you always have to buy a ticket and pay the fee. That is life. You can have anything you want at the fair, so long as you are willing to pay to play.

If you are lucky, you can pay with money. But if you are dedicated, your exchange comes from deep within.

That change can look like having to say goodbye to people, places, jobs or opportunities. Often, the most harrowing and difficult exchange is when I am called to let go of or evolve a part of my soul in order to rise and meet the next level of the life I have worked for.

There just seems to be no way to remain the exact version of yourself whilst wishing for elevation. We cannot hope to stay on the ground while testing our wings.

My ambitions in this life have kept me in a constant love affair with the world. Like any fit of passion, my heart yearns for things that my mind hasn’t quite figured out how to attempt. My impulses beckon when my feet aren’t yet ready to move.

You can’t receive change whilst wildly holding on to the past. We all know this in our heads but sometimes fail to practice this with our hearts.

The truth is, things need to unravel before you can recreate. Our practice isn’t it guarding what we have, but in releasing what we no longer need.

So, I ask you, are you ready to let go so you can receive?

Big Juicy Love,

Iman