These past few weeks I have been in my own little bubble. Okay, who am I kidding? – I built a steel fortress, armed my cannons and I wasn’t letting anyone in or out. I needed some time to just be quiet and still to balance myself and get back to feeling 100%. I didn’t take calls, return texts or answer emails (save but from my top 5). I let go of everything so that I could fully hold all of the feelings that were overwhelming me.
Two weeks ago, very dear friend of mine passed away suddenly and it left me reeling in grief. I had just spoken to him and just spent time with him and all of a sudden, he was gone. Nothing made sense and I couldn’t seem to wrap my mind around what had happened. He was one of the most lively, quirky and funny people I had ever known. He brought a room to life no matter where we were. I cherished him and our friendship so much. Just like that, he was gone and I would never hear his laugh or see his smile or how his eyes would light up when we made the most ridiculous jokes.
My heart felt like it had dried up and turned to ash. I couldn’t align my head with my heart and the facts. Loss can hit you like a frying pan to the face sometimes.
I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t stop crying. I just stared out into space lost in between instructions from my husband to eat, get up, shower, go to bed. Everything reminded me of him. And then when I thought it couldn’t hurt more, I got sick and then couldn’t get up if I wanted to. It completely knocked me on my ass, took the wind out of my sails, kicked my feet from under me and brought me to my knees. I didn’t have the strength to do anything. I had no other choice than to surrender to whatever was happening to me.
Now, normally, I would take every over the counter concoction and magic potion to alleviate my symptoms and bring me back to life. BUT being 22 weeks pregnant left me with good ‘ol hot water and lemon as my only hope to kill whatever it was that felt like it was trying to kill me. Lemons and ginger seemed like such sad weapons to use to fight whatever was ailing me. Every cough and sneeze literally tore my abdomen and strained my muscles. My throat was so swollen that I could hardly eat anything and blended oranges and ice became a three-course meal.
Okay, I wasn’t dying – I know. People have it worse, I know! It was only a cold/virus/demon from hell, I KNOW!….But seriously, it still crippled me. I could barely stand up or eat and all the while my heart was bursting and I wanted to show up for my friend who had just lost her husband and help her make the arrangements for the funeral. Then I was asked to officiate the funeral and no bigger honour could have been given to me at that time. I brought my crumpled soul and showed up as big and bright as I could to show my adoration for him once more.
I would have crawled there if I had to and as I stood in front of everyone who loved him so, I couldn’t help but be moved with love and the power of healing that comes from showing up, as you are, no matter how tattered, and shining your heart. We celebrated his glorious soul and that was far more powerful than any over the counter drug I could have had. Through this love, I was healing.
When I got back home I began to get better but as soon as the sadness crept back in – BAM! My cold came back with a vengeance. At first, I was mad but then I thought, “Maybe I am being asked to stay here with this pain for a little longer.”
And so, I have. My own losses, my coaching, grief and trauma recovery training have shown me all these things in a million different ways and over the years I have walked my clients through their own grief. I know all too well that you can never truly know something until you feel it in your bones and experience it yourself.
In the years and years that I have known my sweet friend, Con, he has taught me so much. It wouldn’t be like him to not also bestow his wisdom even in his absence. I have learned so much these past weeks – mostly, how to be a better listener and a gentler healer, to myself.
My prescription has been this: Sit still. Let the grief in and then let it back out. Never deny any of your feelings because they each hold a treasure that will enrich you beyond your years. If you need to retreat and bundle up and shut off – then do that. Do whatever feels good and right and sacred. You won’t miss out on social media; your life won’t fall apart if you postpone the meeting or delay the text or cancel the lunch. Life is too precious to run around chasing your tail when your soul is begging for a blanket and a good cry. Surrender, surrender, surrender.
If you do this, I promise one of two things will happen: another day will come for you to show up or if it doesn’t, then it won’t matter one bit.
And so, for me, today feels like a good day to get back up.
Big Juicy Love,
XO
Iman
